Food for life....

 Food is supposed to give us energy and help us do whatever we want, right? It’s supposed to make sure that we live, and not just barely survive, but live. But what if the food that we eat, kills us? No, I am not talking about food poisoning; though it is food literally killing us. I meant, when each spoonful that we take fill us with guilt and make the food tasteless and then make us feel like shit for eating it- technically killing us. I could be eating pizza, but the moment I think about all the extra calories that I am taking in, that would be the most ill-tasting thing that I’ve ever had. But I guess, it’s not the extra calories and “unwanted” fat that I was worried about. It’s the remarks- more unwanted than the fat- that followed. Though, luckily it never stopped me from eating whatever that I wanted; but every bite made me add more workout routines to my “health diary”. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never had any food without guilt tripping myself- oh and by food here, I mean ‘junk food’. According to many people I should add more salads to my diet and cut “carbs”.

Everywhere I went, I was asked to lose my body fat and get toned and slim and “healthier”. Apparently, I’d be more beautiful if only I’d lose some weight.

It got really bad, then worse, and I stopped attending family events altogether. I avoided all the functions I could, I used to pray to get my periods so that I’ll have a legitimate reason to avoid it. One day I decided to not fake it and instead just told amma that I am not coming simply because I didn’t want my body to be picked apart- along with my self-esteem. Oh, and this “One day” happened less than a year ago. The joy I had when my cousin’s wedding was held at Chennai when I was in Hyderabad! All I had to do was fake an unavoidable exam.

The only event that I attended willingly was my sister’s wedding. And we are kindred spirits tortured for our figures. She is “extremely thin” and if someone saw us together- yes, you guessed it right, “share some fat with your akka no (insert weird laughter)”. She was always shamed for being thin and I for, well, being thick (thicc). I thought thin girls had it easy. But you can’t be perfect for anyone, can you. Either you are too fat, too thin, too muscly, too tall, too short, too dark, too light…

Even though I have realised that my goal in life shouldn’t be getting toned, it’s difficult to stop. It’s so hard to flush out the internalised feeling of inadequacy. The day when I realised that I had made my biggest goal in life to get slimmer, I felt numb. I felt like I was living a hollow life and my entire potential was being wasted on pleasing others who never thought about me as soon as the words, that scarred me for life, left their mouth. But still I struggle, think about all the clothes that I’d wear if I had a “better” figure, plan vacations in the hope that I’ll be slimmer by then, think about all the careless sex that I’d have had if I had been more confident about my body, all the photos that I’d have posted if I had liked myself in it…

But I know it’ll get better… I know….I can feel it in my thick thighs