him

I have always been a romantic. I have had crushes on innumerable men, loved without brains, shared my body and soul. But I have never loved without any expectations, fully knowing there is no future or hope in the relation- or whatever it was. No man has ever made me go weak in the knees, and made me shy- I realised I could be shy, blush and stammer because of someone after meeting him. I get trampled on, ignored, maybe even forgotten, but one gesture, one random text, and I rush back to him; knowing fully there won’t be open arms for me to run into but only a cold brick wall. Why is it that love and lust shouted into a void sound louder than anything? Why do I still think about him, look for kick-starts even after closure- the closure that I made for myself tired of the uncertainty? Why is it that in the hopelessness of this love I find peace and chaos?